Why You Should NOT Eat Black Rice

I recently found an article on the newest superfood, “black rice.” Apparently, black rice is supposed to contain those ultra-goodness antioxidants, some chemicals that are supposed to prevent cancer, make your skin healthier, increase longevity, and give you a 22’’ waist. It’s like Acai berry, except it doesn’t come in ridiculously overpriced pill form. Yet.
Unfortunately, I could never eat black rice even if it gave me the awesome ability to shit money and pure happiness. First, it looks like this.

Put a leaf next to it. It'll look less disgusting.

Remember when your Dad used to take you fishing and he used a huge lump of soil- coated, slimy earthworms he shoved into the tackle box as bait? Black rice looks like that. Moreover, I can never get used to the idea of rice being any color besides white or light brown. When I look at that picture, I feel like I’m a lion seeing a zebra for the first time.
Just imagine being a lion that is used to feasting on horses, the occasional donkey, an anteloupe, annoying humans on safari tours. Then you spot this.

A horse dressed like Beetlejuice

Do you know what the lion does? It DOESN’T EAT THE ZEBRA. Because basic logic tells the predator that if it looks different than its normal food, maybe it’s not a good idea to eat it. Humans use this same principle to avoid eating the unfamiliar, probably poisonous berries in the forest.
Unfortunately, our instincts fail us in the modern world. The average supermarket is a plethora of imported gourmet oddities that is unfamiliar to only the most cultured gourmand. Here are some other zebra foods.

"Blue" potatoes are really purple

 Blue potatoes. Remember in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, where the overachieving blond girl chewed gum that turned her blue? Well, it happened to these potatoes too.

How does this look like a dragon?

Are they seeds? Are they mold? The first time I saw dragonfruit from afar, it reminded me of a dark- haired guy’s five-o-clock shadow. Not appetizing.

A "tree tomato"

This fruit looks pretty pedestrian until you cut it in half. Then, BOOM, you discover it’s sporting some Gaelic art motif popular with tattoo artists.

Where your organic lubricant comes from

Did you ever wish your fruit were slimier and covered in sharp spikes? Well, you’re in luck! Head to your local Whole Foods and discover what it’s like to eat the slime monster from Ghostbusters!

The other kind of Frankenberry

This lab-synthesized abomination is supposed to taste like pineapple. What bothers me most about this fruit is that someone spent years and thousands of dollars developing a fruit that not only looks like an albino strawberry, it also doesn’t boast any remarkable health benefits like black rice.